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what even is this   
04:38pm 17/09/2011
  i just want someone to swaddle me and hold me so tight. hold me till i turn to mush

as soon as i cut you out i fiend for the physical its not fair its not right it makes this harder than i need it to be,.

when does the dependency subside? when can i breathe again? how do i start this disconnect in my head and my heart. ur everywhere with me. u are my heart. how do i cut u out. its messy and bloody and hot and wet and so severe.
i cant sleep
sleep evades me
because sleep brings dreams
and my dreams are full of you.
nightmares....all of them
even the good dreams cant be good
because they remind me of your touch and ur energy is just as dynamic as i sleep as when you are on the pillow right next to me.

this can not be. there is no function im sorry goodbye.
i wanna be your only one   
06:51pm 12/09/2011
  and maybe.....u could be mine.

so im a third of the way committed to everything in life. both jobs. the boyfriend. my apartment. my hobbies. everything. its causeing me great stress. my initial reaction to all this is to just walk away from them. its easier to not grunt thru the struggles and run off than it is to stay in it and rehash options' ifs ands and buts. am i running cause its easier or really because these things are not worth it to me. some i dont have time for and the others ....well one has exhausted me and the other is not worth the fight. no new prospects around the corner. nothing leading me away from these things but myself.
i dont know why. why i cant hang on hang in there. i want a change. i want to feel purpose and i want something with meaning. i have none of that. this job doesnt mean shit. that boy wont let me let him mean anything. its all just a waste. and i am wasting away thats for sure.
you cant be what i need u to
and i dont know why i fuck with you
baby can u stand the rain?
this is the day   
06:47pm 06/09/2011
  new ventures new work. i wake up to the lions roar. he beckons me out of bed and into the day. before the sun has risen. i stretch under the maple trees and look into the sky beyond their branches at the bluest of carolina blue skies and white clouds and breathe and smile. this is my life. my toes in the dirt baptised in the water. the silence of the land. its quiet among all creatures. calm even vibe from species to species. all in one accord. and i maintain their prosperity to the best of my abilities. the lion with the lynx the tigers and the wolves. they all thank me in their small ways. orion always greets me at the door. the cats jump and smile.its everything i want my world to be and more.

more updates soon. gotta go put purple in my hair now.
07:11pm 06/06/2011

my bday was perfect

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

this day   
05:37pm 23/05/2011

my hormones wont let me deal with people todayyyyyy. ugghh

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

philly tattoo convention 2008   
09:00pm 20/04/2008
  So im at a tattoo convention. Im at my first convention. And I totally under estimated the whole experience. Its alive and moving. thousands of people who share the same interests as me. It sucks thinkin about how I gotta go back to work tomorrow. Eh.
I saw the suicide girls. And I got to meet some amazing artist. I saw a suspension act and I saw enigma....some band that plays with chainsaws and shit. I got my picture taken for some magazines. And I got the underside of my arm finished. My good friend kyle even came to see me.!. That made my day. That's about all I did really.....walked around and let people take pictures of me. Hahaha.
05:00am 14/04/2008
  Sitting still as you speak. Im trying to maintain eye contact while blocking out your words....its kinda hard. If I block out too much you'll know im ignoring you but if I listen I get this feeling. Wave after wave me feeling shorter and shorter wave after wave of pain. Till it makes me dizzy. And lightheaded and distant. Like im outside of my body watching someone else in need of an escape....
Ok enough. Im done reminicing. Fuck you im out.
no really, thanks   
07:48pm 04/10/2006
  this is so not attractive.

Thank you now i remember why i quit writing and reading shit on this site.

lets give a round of applause to the internet

10 years ago you would have had to say it outloud

no this isnt directed especially to one person.

and no im not mad

but this is the last.
and that shits real
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o face   
06:25pm 21/09/2006
  fuck im so god damnit bored. i hate this work environment. i hate h rubin what a joke. i mean really where else in the world can you come into work 2 hours late and not have anyone yell at you. i mean....come on. melloglistic....you know what i m talking about. did i mention im bored as shit. i have a lot of livejournal friends that arent my friends anymore. and they dont update. not that i really care it was mearly an observation. on the fence....one foot in the sand and one on concrete. pop quiz where am i?

only one of you out there know what the fuck im talking about.
11:21am 19/09/2006
  well i had an eventful weekend....i went to the pavilion for the last time...me and lc sat and observed people and i loved every single evil nasty comment that came out of our mouth....we were being so mean...we will be sitting some where in 20 years doing the same thing. i just know it really it kinda felt like we had been there before...maybe in the previous life. all i could think of was how much i wish you werent in gorgia. you should have been sitting on the bench next to us. it just made to much sense i guess. ps i sensed a slight tinge of excitement from you when you were speaking in terms of national openings and no strings attached.....there are strings. more attached to you than you realize.

yeah so the pavilion was fun and so was my trip to the mall and kyoto express even the pool. but there was just something.....missing. i felt like ive been forgetting something for 2 days. and i have. i hate it.....the good is really good but still . out of sight out of mind is normal for me it usually happens naturally. but its just not happening. and i realize it never will come to that point. you will always be in my heart and always in the back of my mind. well not exactly in the back ....hmm....its kinda like if you stare at a light too long and you close your eyes and that image is burned into your retnas for a few seconds....imagin the image never goes away and even when your in the dark....its still there when you close your eyes. difference being....i still smile every time i close them. i know i always will,

welp....now... this is happening   
02:00pm 11/09/2006
mood: drained
are you laughing because of that one time in charleston....

so my phone is cut off...ive been wanting to take a break from everything so i guess its ok....i need some time to be quiet and just be quiet ya know...maybe ill leave the phone off for a while.

its a big balance.

too many textmessages i think....
the schoool i want to go to is only 6 miles from the school jason wants to go to in raleigh....raleigh....thats a long way away....long way from home.' long way from love. just a long way.

i need to go do it though...its the closest school that can teach me everything i want to know about what i want to do. its what i want. and thats about the only thing i know i want. ill be back soon

just thinking...again   
05:04pm 05/09/2006
  the only thing i can think about is that one night. the one where all i had was one bottle of wine one wine glass, classic rock and my best friend. we talked about how in 20 years we could see our selfs doing the same thing. me with my wine and classic rock and you just entertaining me while "the one i love" was touring the country....the spivey house was never quiet....you could never feel lonely in that house but that night...i felt like you were the only other person in the world. and i loved it. it felt right. and that was the night that i humored the thought. i could see it in your eyes. i giggled about it and when you asked what was funny i said nothing. i only had 2 glasses of wine.

it wasnt the wine talking....
07:18pm 04/08/2006
  damn i am in a pickle. holla if you feel me.  
02:14pm 24/07/2006
  sittin at work listening to xm radio the blend its a great mix of the 60s 70s 80s 90s and today which really means all the songs you forgot about are on this station. its gay....but everyonce in a while itll get ya with a good one. like the googoo dolls. thats right when is the last time you listened to that song "i wont tell them your name" go find it now you ll thank me later.

dumb slow tourist bring in some money.

raise your hand if your sure.
man so i started watched tristen and isolde last night some parts of that movie will reaally hit ya. yeah like the part where there doin it and shes like "how many have you loved before me " he says "none" she replies with "and how many after" he says (like a true playa should) "none"

damn homes
im at work right now   
05:46pm 10/01/2006
  let me tell ya.....kenndope loves me like a fat kid loves cake....he came to see me today. thats more than i can say for you other losers....so they make a gatorade named Mango Electrico......brand name extremo....are we trying to speak spanish now....well i guess you never know when exactly a spaniard may need to beef up his electrolyto's all that soccer can really get to ya after a while. you know what ive been thinking about starting up my diaryland diary again just because no one else i know knows about diaryland....its good for business damnit. and annfrank knows whats up.  
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sleezy e   
09:52pm 07/01/2006
mood: in love
god. i had to work today and it was really lame and right now im watching this movie and its kinda lame....all i heard about today at work was football and now im home and all i hear about is football....just cause of this movie...its a football movie.....jason says he knows what my hobbie is (other than sex) and he thinks i should persue it....im not too sure where to start. its time consuming. you know what i like rice. i think its fun and pretty good tasting. i like it fried. with cchicken on top. i decided that i will have dagwoods and kyoto efewgbrn53ytrwjhmtrkuy we7 express cater my wedding....sorry about the previous line jason was feeliNG FROGGY.....IM ALSO SORRY THAT 1IM YELLING RIGHT NOWWW 2 HE WANTED T3O PUSH THE ALL CAP4S BUTTON....AND 5NOW HE IS COUNTI6NG WITH THE KEY BOARD 7 ARENT YOU GLAD THAT you s8toped9 by to read my journal toda10y its a good one ill tell ya that, we also decided that we want to buy a sail boat when we get older and were getting a crew with costumes and were setting sail.....with a plank....ill make all of you walk too. were gonna dress up likeno....nononono....we are going to be pyrates and we shall take over all the waters. everywhere... all over the world. well your boring me so im going to let you know that i am the coolest fuckin person alive and you simply will never be anything near as cool as me. i own you bitch,,, just remember that.

06:21pm 07/11/2005
  i can see now....this is going to hopefully be the start of something beautiful,,,..i havent written in this thing in EONS!!!! jesus.....ill add some details later but for now i gotss to go!  
01:53pm 29/01/2004
  so im sitting at home i woke up at like 8:30....jason called me and woke me up......ive been cleaning all day. my room looks worse now then it did before.....im going through everything i own and purging....i feel like its holding me back from something great! something absolutly amazing! no no it probably isnt but i sure am tired of looking at the crap of it all everyday.....so im throwing it away. all of it....my eyebrows look great ...ive sent out 4 resumes today and i hope to god that i get a response from someone! anyone! please! god.....i need a job so i can leave this house. i want my own room to sleep in and my own kitchen with my own living room.....damnit now im getting all upset and stuff. im going to figure out how the little digital camera works that i got for christmas....(yeah im really lazy) and maybe post some new picture of my beautiful-ness (ha yeah right,i wouldnt know beautiful if it bit me in the FACE!)

later people
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03:18pm 28/01/2004
  yeah yesterday was odd...jason got in that wreck so i drove him around yesterday,,,,i dont like driving in front of people if that makes anysense so i was kinda weird-ed out....but it was ok. he told me i drove a stick better than tyler and him both. ha.
so whos going to that show tomorrow....hmm...anyone....you better be there,.,. im going to get my eyebrows waxed right now so ill be back more later......lobe
what a nasty day it is   
05:25pm 26/01/2004
  ewwww.....cold and wet like a dogs nose or something....i hate it...it is the worst day of my life,,,,,so someone out there tells jason "i just wish she would change." funny.....half of them want you to stop changing and the other half just cant wait untill you do.....hmmm....
yeah but anyways,...this weekend was amazing for the most part. friday i went to this crazy party in mullins for my friends brothers birthday.....hes like 29 or 30 i think. this party was out in the boonies and they had a fire and lots of drinking that i didnt partake in because i had to drive home....i dont like getting drunk around people that annoy me anyway and there were like 3 or them that were really pissin me off....then the birthday boys best friend got in a really bad wreck and so i told him that it was ok and he would be ok and then he held my face and kissed me. for real....ew. but then i left and went to jasons brothers house and we stayed there....i love that boy so much. there is nothing like waking up next to someone you love. there just isn't. when i woke up he was laying on the pillow with me and he was just looking at me. just looking. i said, "how long have you been looking at me" he said, "hmmm....15 mins maybe." then he kissed me. it was great. anyway...the next day i went to summerville and the show was amazing by the way (for those who didnt stay for the whole thing). and i rode with the band and it was crazy. and really cold cause brandons windows dont stay up. oh man thats all i can type for now ill be back